the end of one road... beginning of another...

So Zack and I have made the decision to stop infertility treatments. It's been over a year of treatments (actually almost five years of trying off/on) with no success and has been a very very hard emotional rollercoaster each month for me. I wanted to share an experience I had that solidified our decision. It's pretty personal, but it was so astonishing to me that I feel like I really need to share it. I've had revelation/direction feelings of the Holy Ghost in the past... but this was so strong I felt like it was really important... and it was so direct and linked to the scriptures... maybe it will inspire.

For a long time we were praying to get pregnant. It's a good thing right? A righteous desire. We knew we wanted more children... we wanted Kale to have siblings to grow up with and grow old with. I couldn't understand why God wouldn't grant me what I was asking him for. We fasted, had blessings, prayed fervently. One night I was praying again and almost at my wits end (it is just so hard wishing and hoping each month and getting disappointed - I don't know if I can even describe it) and basically pleading really hard just for some direction. I said "It doesn't matter to me what direction we take... keep pursuing infertility or start the adoption process again, or be done with adding to our family at all"... I just wanted to know what the Lord's plan was for my life. At that moment I felt like I got the message knocking my over the head "HELLLLOOOOOO! you have direction! Read your scriptures!!!" It was so strong that I got up and went to get my scriptures from the other room. I opened up right to where I had left off 3 Nephi Chapter 22. And this is what it said: (with my interpretations in parethesis):

3 Nephi 22:1-3 And then shall that which is written come to pass: Sing, O barren, thou that didst not bear; break forth into singing, and cry aloud, thou that didst not travail with child; for more are the children of the desolate than the children of the married wife, saith the Lord.

(don't be sad that you are barren Julie! Sing!)

Enlarge the place of thy tent, and let them stretch forth the curtains of thy habitations; spare not, lengthen thy cords and strengthen thy stakes; For thou shalt break forth on the right hand and on the left, and thy seed shall inherit the Gentiles and make the desolate cities to be inhabited.

(enlarge your house by adoption)

3 Nephi 22:4 Fear not, for thou shalt not be ashamed; neither be thou confounded, for thou shalt not be put to shame; for thou shalt forget the shame of thy youth, and shalt not remember the reproach of thy youth, and shalt not remember the reproach of thy widowhood any more.

(don't be ashamed of not being able to get pregnant)

3 Nephi 22:6-7 For the Lord hath called thee as a woman forsaken and grieved in spirit, and a wife of youth, when thou wast refused, saith thy God. For a small moment have I forsaken thee, but with great mercies will I gather thee.

(you have been called to this path, these trials, but it's all for your good)

3 Nephi 22:13 And all thy children shall be taught of the Lord; and great shall be the peace of thy children.

(your "children" shall be taught of the lord and be peaceful.)

3 Nephi 22:16 Behold, I have created the smith that bloweth the coals in the fire, and that bringeth forth an instrument for his work;

(I just thought it was crazy/cool that it had "smith" in this verse too... just further proof to me this was such a clear message. That and God has created the spirits... so it's his creation.)

So I know you may think - oh that could mean anything! And really it could, in fact the first time I read it I didn't see all of the stuff in there... but I kept being drawn back to that scripture every night for a week. It was such comfort to read that whole chapter but especially the first verse - "sing o barren woman, break forth into singing!' A week or two later when for the zillionth time I learned our treatments for the month had failed again... I really started to realize what the Lord was telling me. He was preparing me for that month and for our ultimate decision to start the adoption process again.

I'm not saying it was easy to go through it. I was really sad, and still am (although not painfully anymore) about the loss of not being able to have the pregnancy experience... I know there are bad things that go along with it (don't remind me of them it doesn't help), but I really did want to "feel the measure of my creation". I have realized that I have felt that while raising Kale, there are so many things that I have taught him and as I see him learn and grow I am sure this is the "spirit" of that saying.

A big lesson we've learned from this experience is that God does answer our prayers. He was listening the whole time we were asking, but sometimes the answer is no - even if it would be something good in your life. He knows the master plan, while we are working on the ground level. When we look back on our lives I'm sure we'll understand... maybe he has another child that really needs to be adopted into our home? Maybe it's not the right time? All I know is that after we made this decision I felt at peace for the first time in a long time. I know it is the right decision and that we are on the right path - which is really the best feeling in the world.

So that's the big news - we are starting the adoption process again! We meet with our caseworker for the first time on Monday and have so many hopes for this second journey to meet the next member of our family.